Maybe, it’s all my fault.
Maybe, I’m the bad guy.
Yes, I know they did wrong, but maybe it’s really me that caused it.
Maybe, because what goes around comes around, I deserve it.
Maybe, despite my efforts otherwise, I’m actually toxic and don’t know it.
These ideas are some of the most interesting and sometimes the most toxic.
I once wrote:
“It is human nature to assume that we are not the problem, but what if we are? Then, we have just destroyed something great (a relationship or situation), because our pride refused to let us think ourselves wrong first.”
And, while I still agree with this statement, I also have come to terms with my tendency to believe myself to be truly awful should I encounter conflict or something bad happen, even when I probably shouldn’t.
I’m not sure if the self-depreciation is worth it. There have been many times I have been thinking of past conflicts or moments when something bad happened that I just tell myself, “I give up. I’m just an awful person. I must have caused this somehow, even if I don’t know how.”
I know I’m not the only one like that, that jumps to the conclusion that the myriad of life’s problems and difficulties somehow culminated from your own hands, that questions if my own imperfection at dealing with any situation might have been the cause of something less fortunate.
It’s a life of having infinite grace for others and none for yourself. It’s not God’s plan, nor is it His desire for us.
If you know me, you know I am both a very passionate and deeply reflective person. It’s a bit of an odd combination, because it lends itself to moments of exuberance wherein I may regret and over analyze everything that was said later when I’ve gotten into my wonderfully introspective and melancholy mode.
I have many times wondered if I’m perhaps too passionate or too reflective, but they are who I am. Perhaps, I’m just too a lot of things. Could I change that about myself? I don’t know that I would be capable of being suddenly dispassionate if I used every bit of my mind to attempt it.
I know deeply that the mind and heart need each other, that they dance an intricate dance of power, and I also know that while my mind follows closely, my heart leads. My heart pushes me forward when my mind would cower; it leads me to speak and write with honesty and passion and power, but my mind regulates the phrases, and at times, expects too much of the person to which it belongs. Perhaps, my mind is a bit too passionate at times as well.
Fiery- a word ascribed to me many times. I was even nicknamed “Xena, warrior princess” for a bit at church in high school.
I can’t say that I am any less these days, but with age, I’ve come to question the validity of my responses more, find myself stifling my emotions in situations and holding back that passion among groups I’ve not had the time to read just yet.
Is that bad? I don’t necessarily think so. I think perhaps it’s simply wisdom to know when to speak many times. I don’t feel the need to fight to be heard so much anymore, though I will always speak up for what I believe is right.
The problem lies in the belief that I am too much and that my muchness, my passion to do what is right or what I feel is right, is somehow wrong.
The problem is second guessing myself and believing that my actions or heart somehow make me at fault for things that I should not consider my fault.
I’ve heard it said God is not a genie waiting to grant your wishes(prayers). I would also add that God is not a puppet master, pulling the strings for or against you based on how worthy you seem from one moment to the next. He is also not a potter who has regretted making his pots with streaks of color.
Our passion, our sensitivity, our analysis, our logic- they are all our colors. We should display them with pride. We are not too much. We are enough for our season and purpose. We are not at fault for all of life’s occurrences, some sure, but not all. And while it does make sense to examine our hearts for fault, we should not condemn ourselves any more than God would condemn us. Mistakes must be released. We must forgive ourselves. We must embrace who we are. For such a time as this. We were all created as we are for such a time as this.